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November 3, 2012 by AJ Briones
Utter inability to pull myself together to the extent that my mind is in chaos with a fight or flight state. This is a challenge. I wake up early in the morning so that I will not be late for office. My work day should be starting at about 8:30AM but I wake up at 4:30AM and arrive at the office at exactly 6:30AM. It was a choice that I had to take in order to avoid the volume of people trying to ride the same shuttle I ride to the office. If I would not take it, for sure I will be late. The time I am expected to be out of the office should be at 5:30PM but I am obliged to stay after office hours to do one role which is to socialize with people which is a big part of being a Training Officer. Some people would say that going home at 5:30AM was such an early time for us to go home but for me it would be a good thing because I have to travel a long distance. Living in the boundary of the industrialized sector and the provincial district means a lot of traveling. Let’s say I live the office at exactly 5:30AM; that would mean that I would ride multiple vehicles to get back home. I would most probably arrive at my home by 8:00PM to 9:00PM. I am wondering how that would be if I would go into the overtime weeks of my work life. Other than this is the truth that as an employee, I am expecting with nothing less than the best that I can do. Draining hours of reading to study the business is something I do mostly now and it is pulling my strength in a loathsome manner. I imagine myself when I come into the training proper. Would I still be using inches of my strength or inches of my life’s breath? I love this job. In fact, I chose this. This was the field that I am so dedicated to enter as a former person working in the academe. I have no problems with the job and I know that I will enjoy. It is just that the pressure of not meeting deadlines or not meeting expectations is getting to me. I have two workmates in my department who came into the department at about 3 months before me. We are only 5 in the department including our head and it appears that they have fallen short of the expectation that was given to them. They are about to be transferred to another department. I don’t want that to happen to me but whenever I see one of the two who had the same position as I did, I feel so ashamed because I know that compared to me, she deserved the job. She’s smarter than I am. She knows more than I do. She picks up faster than I do. She is a fast learner in comparison to me. It makes me think that I have a sealed future of leaving this department or company in a matter of months but I don’t want that. Don’t get me wrong. I am not looking down at myself but rather presenting the gravity of what I am facing. I have a weight on my shoulder like Atlas who in Greek myth carried the world on his shoulders. Though I know in faith that God is in control, I can never discount the fact that I have to face all of this anxiety. I know that this is a part of God building me up as an iron put into the heat and being pounded into perfection. I am well aware that God is about to do great things in the future but I am also in despair because of this pressure I am facing. This may be fears or probably doubt but I know that God is faithful and that I have to pull myself together. I know that I have no other choice but to stand strong and there is no other option. Giving up was never an option because it was never laid down as an option but as an excuse to not choose the future laid down before me. I have never looked at myself as a man of faith but rather I have viewed myself as a man who believes that I am in a one way street towards only one goal. There was never any turning back in the first place. I set in my heart that there is no other way to go than to move forward because that is what is. I know in the end, regardless of whatever I face, do or experience, it will never be the reason for my success or fail because in the end, it all goes down to the fact that God is in control of all things and not me. Even if I would not succeed in this job and experience much pain in the process, it can never discount the absolute truth that God is working behind the scenes. As I have read in facebook a couple of days ago, this is a test that will soon become my testimony; my testimony that isn’t all about me.